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Joke Time

This is a discussion on Joke Time within the The Outback Terrace Bar forums, part of the Land Plants category; WARNING: I just copied these from an email I received. No offense meant to anybody. ...

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  1. #1
    orchid lady's Avatar
    orchid lady is offline Senior Member
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    Default Joke Time

    WARNING: I just copied these from an email I received. No offense meant to anybody.

    Wife: 'What are you doing?'



    Husband: Nothing.



    Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate

    for an hour.'



    Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'



    ------------ --------- --------- -



    Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'



    Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'



    Wife: 'Yes or no.'





    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------



    Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'



    Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at

    your picture and the problem disappears.'



    Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'



    Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other

    problem can there be greater than this one?'



    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------



    Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your

    worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'



    Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries

    or troubles.'



    Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'



    ------------ --------- ---------



    Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me

    to give up my seat to a lady.'



    Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'



    Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'



    ____________ _________ _________ __



    A newly married man asked his wife, 'would you have married me if my

    father hadn't left me a fortune?'



    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO

    LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'



    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---



    Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.



    The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'



    ------------ --------- --------- -



    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or

    my sexy body?'



    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of

    humor!'











    Husbands are husbands



    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the

    Head with a frying pan.

    'What was that for?' the man asked.

    The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on

    it that I found in your pants pocket'.

    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name

    of the horse I bet on'

    The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the

    head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

    Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

    Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

  2. #2
    Scrubber is offline Senior Member
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    Default

    Did you hear about the psychiatrist who kept his wife under the bed?

    He thought she was a little potty!

  3. #3
    playtime8978's Avatar
    playtime8978 is offline Senior Member
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    Default

    Those are great, thanks for the giggle this morning

  4. #4
    bench72's Avatar
    bench72 is offline Moderator
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    Default

    i used to work at a library, and one day a chicken walked in and started going "book... book... book"... i was a little sceptical but what the heck... so i scrounged around and found a little paperback and put it between the chicken's beak... and off it went!

    ten minutes later, the same chicken comes back with the paperback, drops it on the floor, and started going "book... book... book"... well, I'm scratching my head... so I grabbed another paperback and placed it between the chicken's beak.... again off it goes...

    another ten minutes passes and the same chicken, same book dropping, and the same "book, book... book"... well I'm a little exasperated so I thought, fine, give the chicken another book, but this time I'm following it!

    new, book between it's beak and off the chicken goes... so I follow it out... the chicken heads towards a field and there in the middle of a field is a pond.

    chicken goes to the pond, drops the book in front of a frog, who croaks "Redit... redit... redit!"



    ( my sincerest apologies) heheheh...

    (btw, Marisa, funny thread... needed a bit of a chuckle today!)

  5. #5
    Brutal_Dreamer's Avatar
    Brutal_Dreamer is offline Dreaming with my eyes open...
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    Default

    funny stuff!

    Cheers,
    BD

  6. #6
    Scrubber is offline Senior Member
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    Be thankful for the guy who invented venetian blinds -
    if it wasn't for him, it would be curtains for all of us.

  7. #7
    cindiras's Avatar
    cindiras is offline Senior Member
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  8. #8
    Tmai's Avatar
    Tmai is offline Ya'll are funnin' me!
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    OK time to revive the joke forum

    HELL EXPLAINED BY


    CHEMISTRY STUDENT


    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington

    chemistry mid-term.

    The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared

    it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have

    the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic

    (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law

    (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need

    to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they

    are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it

    will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are

    entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you

    will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people

    do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

    With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in

    Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume

    in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure

    in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as

    souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell,

    then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year

    that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account

    the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus

    I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of

    this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting

    any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving

    the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept

    shouting 'Oh my God.'


    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

  9. #9
    Tmai's Avatar
    Tmai is offline Ya'll are funnin' me!
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    Default

    Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the
    96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
    She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
    The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She
    starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
    The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
    her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that
    forgetful, knock on wood'
    She then yells, 'I'll come up and help Both of you as soon as I see who's
    at the door..'

  10. #10
    Tmai's Avatar
    Tmai is offline Ya'll are funnin' me!
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    Default

    guess i'm getting old
    'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
    day. One remarked to the Other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
    'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in,
    So am I. Let's have a beer.'

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