Garden finally tilled up and planted.

[LJA]

Fungus season has arrived with a wham (already the leaves on all the rose bushes are starting to curl), so after spraying outside and in the greenhouse, and mowing the back yard, I decided it was high time to get the veggie garden going again, and I spent all afternoon and evening yesterday tilling it up.

You know those Lowes ads? Picture Harvey Homeowner, there he is, dressed in a nice chambray shirt, kakis and brand new work boots, squeaky clean, hair just cut, smiling and pleased with himself as he guides this contraption with his fingertips down a patch of earth that turns up rich and loamy and thick behind him, effortless gardening courtesy of this wonderful, miracle machine called a rear-tine tiller. Anyone can do it, Harv implies, five minutes, smudge free, you won't even break a sweat, instant results.

I had forgotten the truth, and by the time I got done last night I felt, well, I felt worse than Mike after trampoline.

First off, I hadn't put a garden in for several years, so the area was completely overgrown with saplings, bushes, grass, weeds, you name it it was there. So after spending an hour cutting all that down and away, I fired up the tiller, and started a first row.

It wouldn't till. The thing just kicked and bucked and skittered along the tops of the weeds, wanting to go every which direction but straight forward, and wrestling it into line felt like trying to rope down a bull. Each little row about one and a half feet wide took four passes back and forth before the tines actually dug down deep enough to call what I was doing tilling, and it took two more passes to really churn things up good. Now mind you, this tiller is a rear-tine, with the handles set back even further behind the tines, so when the machine digs a little, the handles sink a lot because the whole back of the machine sinks a lot.

So once you're actually tilling and not just skipping around across the top, forget about standing upright because it ain't gonna happen. You have to bend halfway over to push and wrestle this thing along, and after a while, your lower back just can't take any more. So I straighten some and try to hold just one of the handles (they're about level with my thighs now), and that's fine, me and Digger are going right along for a couple yards; I arch backward to stretch when the thing hits a submerged root and bucks upward, and mama-mia I get racked by that handle like I've never been racked before in my life. There are purple stars, shooting. I've been gutted and laid out to skin. Twenty minutes it took for my gonads to drop low enough to finally let me start up again. Twenty minutes. This is how the afternoon wore on.

Towards the end, by nightfall, I can barely go one pass before I have to stop for 5 minutes and rest, and it was completely dark except for a little moonlight by the time I got 10 tomatoes and 4 Cayenne pepper plants into the ground and watered. I was a huge, dirty-brown, stinking, racked, sweaty mess when I finally stumbled inside; Bruce took one look, pulled me back out (I didn't struggle much--exhaustion has a way of making me go along with whatever) and he grabbed the hose, stepped back, and hosed me down like a piglet.

I still need to get some more plants for the garden--maybe some cucumbers or squash, some pumpkins, I don't know. But here's the end result, some weeds still attached to the little fence, our 18 by 50 foot patch of sooon-to-be veggie heaven....

[TundraKev]

I love a good story and that was a great one. The visuals, permanently burned into my mind now, will keep me laughing for days. Thanks.

That's really a nice piece of ground you have there. I wish I could be outside doing something, but once again we got hit with the cold, rainy stuff. Highs only in the 40's for the last 5 days. I'm stuck inside with nothin to do.

Now I don't know if your weeds behave like my weeds do, but usually if they are chopped into little pieces, all those little pieces usually grow into new plants.

Just a thought........

I'm sure yours won't (snicker)

[LJA]

Oh yeah. They'll grow back double. They will.

But that's why I also have Miss Tillette.

When Miss Tillette is running she whines like a big mosquito. She's petite, a center-tine, very handy for wheeling around the plants you're growing to macerate the new ones you're not, those new little weeds. In a Lowe's ad, even women in cocktail heels can brandish Miss Tillette for a quick roust around the tulips before heading into town to that soiree.

So what that means to me in translation is, I'm going to be out there on my hands and knees, crawling between plants in the mud and the muck, delirious from heat and two-stroke exhaust inhalation, sweat stinging my eyes and blurring my vision, shoulders and back fried red, trying to muscle some whiny little smoking contraption out far enough on its stick from the tomatoes to keep it from hop-skipping in and chopping them up.

[uncasteeb]

Oh i know how you feel.
Great job & probably very satisfying.
Tried to tidy my front garden today(about the same size as a $ bill) but the soil is virtually solid clay , so i borrowed next doors flame thrower & gave the weeds a lick or 2 with that.
VERY satisfying.

[Gin]

OMG! I am laughing so hard the tears are running , Louis you should be a writer . Best story I have read in a long time , and so true ! My big beast tiller takes off with me . Last week I got a Miss Tillette, I hate her too... spiteful little $%^%Thanks for the story . Gin

[bench72]

First of all...

Then

Finally,

That is one kewl piece o' land u got there Louis... must be sweet having the option of growing your own vegies...

Cheers
Tim

[Orchidzrule]

OMG! I am laughing so hard the tears are running , Louis you should be a writer . Best story I have read in a long time , and so true ! Gin

Gin,

Yoda (still known as Louis--for NOW) *is* a writer. Check out his bio on this site. He writes short stories (and perhaps more?) when not fully occupied with orchids. Sci-fi & horror are his genres. Although the latter, in particular, is not my cup of tea, I definitely do want to check out his stuff after reading the many awesome items (like this episode--I nearly wet my pants reading it!) he's written on RVO.

Hmm, in some ways, I guess his evil tiller story was a horror story! Horror-comedy is something I *can* get into!

All kidding aside, Yoda, is there anywhere I could find some of your work for sale?

Cheers,

R2D2 (staying with the Star Wars theme)

[Piper]

Wonderful story - and sorry for your aches - oh Louis-san, Yoda of RVO!

Clearly this Havey Homeowner prefers his tilling in pumps and a sun dress using his Miss Tillette. But it's reassuring to know he can ride the bronko rear-tine beast when the call comes.

Good on 'ya, bucko!
Take lots of Advil

Julie

[Gin]

I laughed off and on all day , I missed the short story writing line in your Bio . Sci -Fi is a favorite of mine, do you have any on line or published ? Can I be Darth ? Your new garden will be worth the work . It looks good . G

[Orchidzrule]

Yeah, in my laughing over Yoda's story, I, too, forgot something. I really meant to say how great the result looked. My attempt at poetry:

I'm truly sorry it caused you such pain
but at least you didn't suffer in vain

Cheers,

R2D2