Uranium Ore

By George Bungle
5 stars

I used to have terrible flatulence. One time we were visiting my wife's parents, and I risked a three but delivered a nine. I'll never forget the look on my wife's face, as an eggy smog engulfed her loved ones in a bubbling foam of concentrated misery. For a while no-one said anything. We just sat there in total disbelieving silence, as the cooling gasses began to condense on our wine glasses, and twinkled in the candlelight; a tableau vivant of burnt hair and melting wool.

But then I discovered Uranium Ore, and all my gastric nightmares were solved. Now, whenever I need to let one go, I don't have to worry about a thing. I simply distend the old dinner snipper, and clap like a stadium full of trained seals begging for fish heads -- instantly destroying all life within a 15,000 mile radius. No embarrassing smells, no fuss, just one massively disproportionate final solution to all socially awkward situations.

I used to spend a fortune on assassins and trousers, just so I could leave the house during the day. But now I can go to the movies, go skydiving, ride the tube at rush hour, and blot out the sun whenever I feel the need to save face, and avoid expensive laundry bills. It's so convenient and easy to use, even a brainwashed child could do it any moment now!

So don't hesitate. Buy with confidence! And the next time you need to squeeze cheese say hello to Uranium Ore, and goodbye to everyone you know!