hi forum,

im sure im not the only one here, who wishes his orchids could talk. so i thought, what would their characters be? and came to the conclusion, since i see chids as female coz nothing can reach the beauty of a lady, they would be extremely "bitchy", wouldnt they?
i mean, they would order you around like: i want a sprinkle of water with a shot of fertilizer! or where is the shade i asked for a minute ago? cant stand the heat so turn on the ceiling fan right now, dont have the whole day!!! or how many times did i ask for a manicure??? etc.....

so here is the story about my orchids, their attitudes and how i deal(t) with it.

on top of the list are the cattleya's, the supermodels so to speak, they solely focus on their catt-walk, while chit-chatting for months about manicures/ petticures, plastic surgery's, buttlifts, boobjobs etc. and arrogantly looking down on my dendro's. but once they show off their latest fashion, all my chids are in awe and especially the enemies watching closely, accept the dendro's, they make it up in quantity and dont bother much about it!
only lately, summer is here, all dendro's getting more bitchy and want to slim down like terete and im having a hard time convincing em that they look just fine.

when i mounted my oncidium's (dancing lady's), i found out pretty soon that the older ones needed to be separated and put them into the ballroom, the gap between the younger ones was to big. for instance, the older lady's still believe that a skirt should cover at least their "nodes" and i respect that, whereas the puberty ones, im glad they finished their "brittney spears-phase", like their skirts shorter and shorter, in fact they asked me recently to get em japanese uniform's, imagine? i gave em a strict no and threatend with a ballroom instructor!

i have to mention one dendro in particular, her name is "imelda marcos" (she still has some marital law issues) and she watches closely over my paph's to make sure everything is in order when the new shoe models come out. my paph's are enjoying this kind of protection and they are pretty cool, dont bitch too much and doing their thing as long as i provide em with moist magazines. only one time there was a bit of a revolt, i was careless and somehow got em a modern magazine including an add about havaianas, boy they wouldnt stop screaming like: ha, those are shoes?? for that price?? they think are something special?? well, as i said it was my fault, but "mrs. marcos" helped me out and order was back in no time!

next ones in line would be my phal's, especially amabilis and stuartiana, they all get along fine, keep on chatting even with hybrids. well, i can see through it, because eventually they want to work abroad as nurses. there was only one incident when i attempted to bring in a harlequin. gee, they would constantly nag and shouting stuff like: didnt your mamma show you how to wash your dress? or: you gal's ever heard of wearing tampon's?... so for harlequins it has to be an isolated spot.

speaking of discrimination, bulbo's are very proud ladies and they know they are very special, just like the pendelous dendro's which are their best buddies. for example, if the stench and bitching from others like: oi, kate moss, how is the filth coming down there? is getting too much, mrs. aphyllum would gladly help out in daytime and mrs. brassavola does her job during night. so all in all, its been treated more like an amusement and things are leveled out.

about my vanda's, they rank up pretty high like queens, regarding to flower and size, very strong headed and will reach whatever they want to. one in particular stands out, mrs. merillii is sort of the saint in my jungle and stays in close contact to all the native species (like liparis, thrixspermum, coelogyne and other outsiders), i mean she is a tough one and hybrids cant easily surpass her.

just the other day i was thinking, what if i would bring in a strong hand, in case of riots or something?
and i found her on the market, just perfect for my purpose.
she is the "gran'ma" (grammatophyllum) and she has proven to be the right choice. last days were soooo hot and i couldnt stand all their screams for water, shade here and there, i said it first and that kind of thing, when gran'ma stepped in and gave em all a good whipping with her loooong spike, which cost her almost half her blooms. but man, there was absolut silence afterwards.
so picturing gran'ma, i could easily see her as "billie holiday" with a big heart but no messing around with her. by the way, mrs. marcos still thinks she is younger than her, but pssssst.....


im sure there is more anecdotes to come and i hope i got all of you inspired with this thread,
so dont be shy and share your craziness, after all, you are not alone!
thats what i've learned in this forum and im very glad about it!

cheers